Here I sit
I feel terror to write
Because I feel so much I don't know
I don't want to admit to you that I feel helpless
That I'm unsure
Yet I have this pervasive urge
To observe, be with, share this conceptual thought process
Maybe I should just not think about it so much
But then who would I be [insert unanswerable question to make light of potential over-thinking]
. . . thinking, thinking . . . how do I even begin to write out this elaborate and oft paradoxical stream ?
with time in between striking letters, and space in between paragraphs
Metaphor ? Story-telling ? Vulnerable, rambling thought stream ?
I am observing consciousness, my consciousness, the concepts, objects, subjects, phenomenon that come across my awareness(es)
The various aspects of this experiential existence
The composition of moving parts of which I can comprehend . . .
[[[writing comprehend, had me want to look up the definition of
comprehend :grasp mentally; understand; to take into the mind by understanding
Etymology : 'together' + 'grasp' ]]]
So upon further consideration,
The composition of moving parts that cross my mind
When I speak of 'the world,' I see how I can only paint broad strokes or, make generalizations about what is possible or in existence
[generalization : a general statement or concept obtained by inference from specific cases]
Specifics cases being the key words
I can easily make statements about the world
For example : People fear and avoid what they don't know . . .
. . . You must be very cautious who you invite into your space / life because some people could take advantage of you at any moment . . .
. . . It’s a dog eat dog world . . .
. . . People who are religious don't think for themselves . . .
So I cannot ignore that when I make statements about how other people are,
those statements are being derived from specific cases in my life or understanding that have brought me to draw a conclusion about people and how they are
This inevitably overlooks a great number and scope of people and existences
that are equally present in existence
So I prefer to not guess at what others' experience entails
Yet, still I do
Especially when I find myself casually looking around Facebook and Instagram
Now matter how much I wish or have been counseled to not compare myself to others
It feels eerie here
I hear myself playing out scenes I've heard from others
Somehow it isn't me speaking but I'm almost inclined to speak the way people have spoken to me
Seems logical when you think about how we learn language, it is passed down, we learn to speak before we learn to know what it means
This is one reason I like definitions
I like to entertain the "common definition" as well as the etymology, "the word origin"
Not necessarily to be obsessive about my speech
But to simply consider the different ways of looking at a single word, and to imagine all the ways the words could be perceived
Even within one language
This has brought me to study the language and communication that exists
beyond or in addition to
the words we use and their definitions
And how to convey messages beyond what the words themselves speak, in their certain order,
and with their certain audible feel
A few days ago I was sitting writing when my mom entered the room and started interacting with me while I was typing
I attempted to best I could narrate the experience in the moment
: : :
Wavering
Transgressing realities
Moving across the lines
Vibration
Resonance
Harmony
Thought experiments through experience
Intent
Flow
Discipline
Surrender
Walking in a world
Questioning your validity
Do you belong, show me your ID
Do you belong, if you buy something
Voice of fear
Proving worth
Gentlemen
Social rule
Evading confusion
By omitting sense
Surrender
Surrender
Snow sparkles at my back
White as nothing else
Maybe cotton
Parts of ocean waves
Clouds
eggs, salt,
paper,
light
bright
pure
light
Of what am I composed ?
is there a difference between
eye and I
so many Is
& only one way to write i
Everything is okay
But not as if your feelings are irrelevant
Not that everything is so mediocre
every
thing
is okay
(acceptable, in existence, relevant / irrelevant, here now)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!
If everything is okayyyy,
Then why do I feel so anxious ?!
What does that even mean anyway, everything is okayy
She must not have my disease
Everything is NOT okay
Yes! Very true, everything is NOT okay
Okay is only a word
Referencing other words
So by definition, everything is both okay
and not okay
Schrödinger's okay
Schrödinger is okay
Where do i stand now
the clouds have rolled in
Santa Fe New Mexico
grammar rules
omitting commas for supposed flow
learning the rules so you know how to break them
Oscillating
wavering
sinking
floating
A state in between other states
Texas Arizona Utah
Oooo utah
E (my font just changed spontaneously) gg was wiping a wet plate on his shirt belly
Speaking past tense
was
I hope the font changes back
Music stopped
Fiddling with wires and unknowns
Stomach tenses
Brisk breeze from the frozen window
The smell of bacon
Mom
past thoughts
Formalities
"It's getting cloudy" mom says
Judgments : niceties
Silliness factor, engage
Accepting variations in, "dealing with"
Sensation in my chest is tightening
Edginess
Sighing
Trying to make sure no one gets too upset with each other
Mind kicks in to try to out-think the situation
How can I ease the environment
How do I behave to have my best possible outcome
There is nothing I can do to change the situation
Its too many factors to hold onto
Everything is slipping away from me
I must surrender
But it hurrtttssssss
My body, my chest, my . . .
Breathing pauses
Forced air and pushing my shoulders back
She re-enters the room
i tracking
i scanning
i premonitioning
Or is that fear
Fear tells me to run
Hide
Just avoid impending doom
She finds the book of pictures
Torment
Is that real, or just how I am looking at it ?
Do I know my mom ?
How much does the title Mom mean ?
How much weight does it hold ?
Does it have to be like this ?
Limited response
Forced
Reached out for more intimate response
Tensing
Pre planning
Analyzing
'The whole thing is Jitana' she says
The chain of events that spur around to
Shaking head up and down
and left and right at the same time
i closed the window
Ebbing briskness
Attempting to soften
Do i impart 'will' and change the color of the font now ?
Or do I let it speak to me ?
stilled
She is talking about home town now
I sneezed
Wanting wanting
comfort
thinking thinking
it isn't here
Runaway truck ramps
Who gets to decide they will work ?
How do they decide ?
I can see the reflection in the edges of the laptop screen of one wild white hair on the top of my head
It is a touch screen
Wow the future
Technology
Robots
West World
Reality
Matter
Electricity
fingers
The 'space' between 'things'
Glistening shadow edges on frosted snow texture
Shadows can be different tones
Light is semi permeable
where does the shadow stop and the . . non-shadow . . begin
Social media unknown speaker : 'There is no birth or death of electricity, of energy,
But our bodies still live in time'
Making art of the bed pillows
She wants to get a zip up beddy
. . . to zip up the bed without having to arrange it each time
Money is flying through the air, hovering over this table (in a chinese takeout box, see-thru)
Organize the pictures on the computer
Make sure everything is where it should be before I die !
: : :
If there was a point, it would be
There are many ways of looking at things
and many components and layers of a thing
Layers of waves coexisting
voices speaking over each other
&
There are many meanings beyond what is possible to explain
There is a lot going on here that is taking place between the lines
. . .
Here
we
are
herE
