no arguing with now

My heart pounds
I can't admit how fiercely
My body nudges me closer
I won't let myself be pulled
Too abruptly
I must first say I saw it coming
I lack words to tell the story of a love
So ingrained
It doesn't need to be told
A storm so wild and passionate
It need not be tamed
Just quietly observed

--June 2nd 2015


I imagine all that I imagine about you
Is really just me
Staring back
I'm anxious
Searching for meaning
In a thimble
Hoping this bit of liquid
Will fill a big hole
I have that hopes to be filled
I hope someone will come along and want to fix me
More than I have the will to fix myself
Hold my hand through a long valley of flames
Tell me I'm different than the other monsters
Show me I'm worthy
When I don't really believe it
I imagine
What I imagine about you
Is a forecast of my own thought patterns
Reflecting my insecurities

How do you feel in relationship
Anxious
Worried
Frustrated

Wanting more
Doubting
Irritation
Haste
Anger

--June 3rd


I see you from across a wide corridor
Your body pulses eerily to my heartbeat
I want to reach out and touch your face
Reassure you it's okay to love me
But I don't know how to get to you
I'm not sure you even exist at all
Beyond the reflection of my own fears
And a love I can't conceive of
I let myself fall
It feels so good to let go
I hope someone will peal me off the ground
But I submit to being flattened gum
Because at least that way
I can easily justify being hidden
I hate that I imagine my thoughts of you
Living in a land of worry
I wish it were lollipops
And sex and sweetness
I find myself wanting it to feel easy
No question whether our ages should mesh
Or if we speak the same language
No wondering why us
Or why now
We throw caution to the wind
And glide directionless upon rolling waves
For that time of being caressed by love
Becomes everything worth
A wounding heartbreak
There is something too right about
Letting yourself be swept away
You don't always know which way is up
But you must trust you will eventually find out
The contrast is stark

Between floating aimlessly in space
And having a moment to know which way to go
I love you
And I'm afraid to tell you
Because I fear you won't understand
I was put on this earth to love
And you aren't all I know to honor
And still you are so important
Because we've encountered each other
In a pristine moment
Of what is right now
There's no arguing with now

--June 8
   jitana